Peter Cavanaugh

2019: The Year of the Poodle

Vice-President Mike “Poodle” Pence is ready to rock - or at least waltz feverishly.

Were my mother, Isabelle, alive today, she would call Poodle a “Goody-Two Shoes,” an expression used as a pejorative. Then again, were she still with us today and not in Heaven where she surely resides, she would be 115 years old and undoubtedly have her own column. Isabelle was quite the writer.

To Mom, a “Goody-Two Shoes” was an excessively virtuous person, given to pomp and pretense, a prudish pain. There is controversy regarding where the expression originated. Some say the phrase started in London as a children’s story published by John Newbery in 1765, while others insist it goes back to 1670 and Charles Cotton’s “Voyage to Ireland in Burlesque.”

With 17 separate investigations crashing in on his Lord and Master, it might not be long before Poodle dangles a pardon for the presidency and finds a ready taker when Donald can no longer duck.

Imagine. Trump resigns, Pence takes the Oath of Office, then yanks that pardon away like Lucy’s football. I wouldn’t put it past him. As Mom always said, “Never trust a man with perfect hair.”

The vice president’s most recent public exposure came about as he stoically sat next to Trump during that impromptu, now famous meeting with Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer as they heatedly discussed the wall Mexico won’t pay for. Poodle was religiously rigid, absolutely speechless and perfectly motionless for the entire duration of the encounter. Human furniture.

Poodle was a conservative radio talk show host who rose to fame on the heels of Rush Limbaugh in the ‘90s, preaching against abortion, sex education, LGBT rights, big government, taxes, and stem cell research. He endorsed abstinence education.

Many folks say that Poodle would be even more stringently conservative and ideological pure than his future predecessor. I sense that’s unlikely. Proving first and foremost to be a preening opportunist at his core, feeling the political winds blow with hurricane strength in a whole new direction, and having the moral compass of a spinning top, we may witness a miraculous conversion. He’s done it before.

Poodle was raised Roman Catholic, served as an altar boy and attended parochial school. He was born-again in 1978 and joined an evangelical mega church in 1995. That’s not spiritually recommended in the Catholic Catechism. Pence doesn’t believe in evolution or spending time alone with a woman who is not his wife. Lady doctors – stay away. He knows what you’re after.

But If Saul of Tarsus could be knocked off his ass by a flash of blinding light, changing sinner to saint (Acts 9:7), Michael of Indiana might discover salvation in a similar manner.

Particularly concerning in the new environment will be Pence’s efforts putting together that first Trump Team of “the very best people.” Before the votes were counted in November of 2016, Gov. Chris Christy of New Jersey had been assigned to assemble candidates and did so. When it became evident that Trump had actually won, Christy was tossed overboard and Poodle was called upon to stock a brand new swamp with hand-picked alligators, crawfish and lots of leeches. Many are gone. More than a few are prison bound.

President Michael Richard Pence will make his own moves as opportunities abound.

As Poodle stares pensively at the White House lawn from his desk in the Oval Office, gathered outside will be the highest paid lobbyists in history, all united in purpose and focused on one single thought.

How much is that doggie in the window?