I could serve some serious prison time for what I'm about to tell you. It's a top secret "black ops" of major proportions set to be implemented in just 11 days.
Several months ago I went underground. I wanted to know how the 400% taxes on my legal tobacco products were being spent. I hired on as an equipment hauling grunt where television commercials, paid for with California tobacco taxes, were being made by TobaccoFreeCa. I watched as they filmed a very pretty lady smoking a cigarette on her apartment balcony in the Kool, Kool, Kool of the evening.
As she exhaled, the second-hand smoke wafted up to the next apartment, through the living room, down the hall and, using the tricks of computer enhanced technology, settled over the crib of a precious, sleeping infant. Second-hand tobacco smoke severely crippled or killed that child.
I attended many organizational meetings where everyone was almost orgasmic as they thrilled to the millions they raked in from the legalized extortion of 400% taxes on tobacco products. They laughed at and cheered for the population who, in mindless lockstep, sent tobacco users to the back alley ways.
Several times I wanted to remind them that those of us who grew up in the '40s, '50s and '60s were used to ashtrays in hospital waiting rooms, grocery stores and restaurants, but I was undercover. I couldn't risk my cover to tell them that my generation has lived long enough to bankrupt social security.
One evening, a young, up-and-coming lieutenant made a presentation that brought the crowd to ravenous madness. He presented a story written by Thomas Nast in 1876. He told us that hundreds of millions of parents were reading Mr. Nast's story once each year to their children, promoting the acceptance, tolerance if you prefer, of smoking. He read to us from 'Twas the Night Before Christmas:'
"The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath."
"That tobacco smoke from the pipe of old Santy Claus," he shouted, "went straight to the children's bedrooms and killed them." Pandemonium set in.
Plans were immediately put into place. Using the latest in GPS technology they pin-pointed the first house Santa would visit in California on Christmas eve.
The swat team will be in place at 10 p.m. Christmas eve. The second that tobacco smoking "jolly old elf" sets foot inside a California residence all hell will break loose.
The first shots will be with tranquilizer darts to take out Rudolph and his hay chomping accomplices. The toy-laden sleigh, reeking of tobacco smoke, will be whisked away with grappling hooks from a black ops helicopter. With Santa's escape vehicle removed from the scene, celebrity news anchors will broadcast the bust live and millions of dollars will be made as the red and white clad air poisoning, child killer will be slammed to the floor, cuffed and charged with child endangerment, attempted murder, unlawful use of un-taxed tobacco products, smoking in an unauthorized enclosed residence and flying without a proper license.
Off to prison for life. Let him put that in his pipe and smoke it. Thank the government for zero tolerance, (intelligence), in California.
Sorry, California kids and children all over the world. But rest easy. Our government will take charge. Mr. Nast's story, like other American classics, is being rewritten for your protection and political correctness. Children can expect their presents, after thorough decontamination, next April, May or maybe June.
The Tobacco Nazi Propaganda Minister at TobaccoFreeCA, with the firm support of our elected legislature, really knows best, with enough exorbitant, extorted tax money. Remember children, be tolerant of everything vulgar, except tobacco, and join in the celebration of The Ghost of Christmas Past next year. Ho, ho, ho and baa, baa, baa.
I do not promote the use of tobacco products. I do support freedom and equality for all American citizens. It's what we learn after we know it all that counts.
And we heard him exclaim as he's hauled out of sight, "California's gone fascist with no freedom in sight."
Merry Christmas to all, now turn off the lights.