Have zero tolerance and stick with it

Parent Connection

By Bryan Greeson

(Updated: Wednesday, April 02, 2008, 5:39 PM)

A predominant theme enters my inbox as I continue to receive mail from readers. Parents with young children are fighting the same battles over the same unwanted behaviors. They may be dealing with hitting, tattling, lying, whining, or back talking. This isn't an all-inclusive list, but I think you get the picture.

I'm often asked if I know of any little tricks or special insights that will help eliminate a particular misbehavior. Though occasional specific strategies may help with certain undesired behaviors, the big picture is that parents must have the correct mindset. Allow me to illustrate. Let's say you have a "top secret" room in your house that is totally off limits to your kids. This room represents any misbehavior from your child. It could be the hitting my little sister room, the whining room, the not sharing room, etc... Because mom or dad can't stand guard to the door of this room 24/7, they must implement some other tactics.

Tactic one is for parents to inform the kids that they are not to enter this room. Mom and dad leave the door wide open, but that's ok. You see, the kids understand parent language (because they are so bright for their age) and therefore know what is expected. Of course, 20 minutes later the parents find one or more of their children in the room. The parents may begin to nag, reason, explain again, and yes-even raise their voice a bit. Problem is, this may go on until little Bradley or Susie goes off to college.

A second strategy is to leave the door just barely cracked open.

"This will be a reminder to my kids that they aren't to enter, and besides, I should be able to hear the door squeak a little if they open it. Well, most of the time I should hear it. I can then go catch them!"

Talk about dangling a carrot. This type of inconsistent discipline may actually cause the kids to enter the room more instead of less, and can even facilitate little ones getting sneaky.

The third tactic is the charm. You as mom or dad lock the door. Yep, that's right. You deadbolt it shut. It's your desire that little Bradley or Susie never enter this room. You know in reality they will try, and may even find the key from time to time to get in. But you are not quitting. Parents may have to give up some free time in order to monitor the kids. What they will not give up is correcting the misbehavior even when the kids are pounding, kicking, and screaming at the locked door.

Children who want to enter the room of misbehavior won't give up easily. Most child development experts conclude that it takes weeks, not days to correct a habitual, undesired behavior. My best advice is for mom and dad to adopt a zero tolerance stand against the misbehavior, and be prepared to stick it out. Your little ones may not like it, but you'll be glad you got tough for a few weeks to better your child's behavior for years to come.

Bryan Greeson, a nationally certified School Psychologist residing in Gastonia, NC, answers your questions. E-Mail him at parentconnection@hotmail.com.